Through friends. Through shared common activities. By not being afraid to approach someone you don’t know and striking up a (relevant) conversation.

As a sidenote: I have mixed views of dating apps. They can be frustrating and inauthentic, but 50% of Americans now report meeting their spouse online, so something has to be working.  For more details, you can see my Psychology Today article about dating post Covid.

Yes absolutely — it can make you more understanding, accepting, and validating of each other. BUT you cannot try to be each other’s therapists. You both need to address your mental health issues with your OWN therapist — you can’t share.

Also, your mental health can’t be the only thing you talk about or have in common. Do other things together! Enjoy times where you DON’T talk about your mental health.

In most cases, I believe no — it’s absolutely 100% normal to occasionally feel mild levels of attraction for other people. Attraction is something hard wired into our brain and simply means we are human. Enjoy the fantasy (which is all it is) without guilt.

If the attraction is intense and ongoing, however, then it may be time to look at your relationship. Is there something you aren’t getting from your current partner? Are you feeling valued and desired? Are you feeling like you are with someone who is kind, appreciates you and who you genuinely enjoy being with?

Sometimes the experience of being attracted to someone else can help us figure out what might be missing from own lives. But most of the time, it is just a part of being human.

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to project onto our partners an idealized image (or fantasy) of who we want and wish for them to be. At this point we have had only limited interaction with them. We don’t know them well. This makes it easy to ‘fill in the blanks’ with whatever we want.

So first, realize that you are falling for a fantasy, not the real person who you simply don’t know well enough yet. It might be that you are particularly fast to form and then fall for the fantasy.

If you frequently find that your attachments are coupled with a sense of anxiety over whether your feelings are reciprocated, then this may a sign of an anxious/ambivalent attachment style. This tends to be imprinted upon us from our early caregiver relationships where we are never made to feel truly valued. Examine that – maybe with the help of a therapist.

1. First, communicate with your wife about exactly what it is you both are into. Establish boundaries – Will the threesomes include penetration? What other kinds of sexual activity are you both “ok” versus “not ok” with? Will the third person hang out afterward or leave when the sex is over? Will you socialize out of the bedroom?

2. Do NOT have a threesome with a person you and/or your wife knows. This has huge potential to complicate things within your relationship and can create jealousy. “Catching feelings” is real. You don’t want to suddenly find yourself lusting after your wife’s friend or vice versa. The third person needs be out of the picture from an emotional standpoint, unless you intend to form a throuple, which is a whole other topic.

This could have simply to do with where you are in your life right. The average age at which people get married is now close to 30, and more people are deciding to remain single compared to any other time in history. Young people are often more focused on getting their careers settled before finding a long term partner.

The other possibility is that you have an avoidant attachment style. Our early relationships with caregivers provide a blueprint for our future love relationships. If intimacy and affection weren’t things you grew up with than it makes sense that they feel uncomfortable now. Real intimacy could terrify you because of its inherent risk of rejection. The best way to heal attachments styles is by working with a trained therapist.

You sound very kind and she is so obviously lucky to have you! It’s important for you to be there for her and just listen and validate how she’s feeling. BUT, you can’t solve her problems — even though I know you wish you could. She may need a trained therapist depending on how severe or ongoing her problems are. You can’t be her therapist – you aren’t qualified and it’s unfair to put that kind of strain on your relationship.

I think this only works if you are in close proximity to each other and are trying to achieve a similar goal (i.e picking out candy, buying a ticket, waiting in line). Otherwise, it may seem too forced. Ask the person a question about something relevant (“What movie are you seeing?”, “Twizzlers vs. Red Vines?”) to strike up a conversation with them. I met my husband by asking him what time the train was coming even though I already knew! It worked 😉

Sorry, but the only way to have a chance with this person is to let them go. No matter how amazing your significant other is, if you stay in a committed relationship when a part of you wants to be single, then you are going to start resenting your significant other and vice versa. So, take a break and go have fun. Your significant other. may not be there when you’re ready to commit, but it’s the only chance you’ve got at saving what you have.

1. Discuss ahead of time how often you will talk or check in with each other. Every day? Every few hours? A couple times a week? You both have to have the same expectations.

2. If you agree on frequent contact, then consider doing the same things you do at the same times. Go eat at the same time. Share your screen and watch the same shows together. Cook together. Exercise at the same time.

3. Trust. You can’t control each other. You can’t know what the other person is up to 100% of the time. Don’t ruin your relationship by trying to over-control things.

The person you are still hung up on is not the actual person you were in a relationship with — it’s a fantasy. Everyone remembers the positive aspects of relationships — the tendency to dwell on them and make them out to be bigger and better is human nature and is just a form of buyer’s remorse. So realize that.

Also, examine what attracted you to the person in the first place. Toxic relationships usually happen because a person unconsciously reminds us of an early caregiver who had similar qualities. Maybe it was a person who withheld love. Who made us feel unworthy. Who gaslighted us and made us believe that we were crazy and imagining our experiences with them. If you think that’s the case, then you may need to see a therapist to truly heal.

Yes of course! Unless this happens all the time for you. Then you may have an avoidant attachment style, which basically means you never experienced unconditional love as a child and therefore it feels foreign and uncomfortable for you. Consider this and maybe see a therapist if this happens to you frequently.